Something Walks Into a Bar Jokes

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

 

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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drinks and the man asks if he shows him something crazy can he can free drinks for the night.

The bartender thinks for a bit and says, "It would have to be something amazing to pay for drinks for the night."

 

The man pulls a box out of his backpack and opens it to reveal a little man who plays the piano. The little man plays Beethoven and Chopin.

 

The bartender says, "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but you have to tell me where you got this."

 

The man says, "There's a genie in the alley behind your bar."

The bartender leaves for the back of the alley.

A few minutes pass, and the man hear a cacophony of quacks from the alley.

 

The bartender comes back and asks, "Can you believe it? That dumb genie gave me a millions ducks when I asked for a million bucks!"

 

The men asks, "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

 

***

 

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

 

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

 

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

 

"Brown Paper Pete", the bartender replied.

 

"What kind of a name is that?", the cowboy asked.

 

"Well, " says the bartender, "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."

 

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

 

"Rustling," said the bartender.

 

***

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says

"It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer."

The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar.

He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this."

The man says "In the alleyway behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking.

The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks.

He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."

The man chuckles and asks, "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

***

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Wow. I've never served a weasel before. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

 ***

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

***

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

***

A long-necked horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

And the horse says, "What, Eric?"

***

An electron walks into a bar and demands a beer with a surly scowl.

The bartender says, "Why so negative?"

***

A proton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a...hm...wine...no, a beer."

The bartenders asks, "Are you positive?"

***

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender serves it up with a smile and says, "No charge."

***

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them was a salted.

***

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Hey, is your bar tender here?"

***

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

***

Two chemists walk into a bar.

First one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too."

The second one died.

***

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

***

A man walks into a bar, drinks too much, and throws up on his new shirt. He cries out that his wife will kill him. The bartenders asks, "Do you have $10?"

The man says he does.

The bartender says, "Go home and tell your wife that this drunk guy threw up on your shirt, but he gave you $10 to have it cleaned."

The man thanks him and goes home. His wife meets him at the door and scowls at his shirt. But he whips out his money and says, "Some guy threw up on me, but he also give me $10 to have my shirt cleaned."

The wife looks at his money. "This is a $20 bill."

The man nods. "Yes, he also crapped my pants."

***

A bowl of soup and half a sandwich walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve lunch here."

***

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front.

"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.

"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered."The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

***

A priest, a shaman, and a rabbit walk into a bar. After the priest and shaman order their drinks, the bartender turns to the rabbit and asks if he knows what he'd like.

"How should I?" the rabbit demands. "I'm just a typo!" 

***

Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walk into a bar. The bartender calls 911 and says, "I need to report an attempted murder."

***

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a whiskey and . . . Coke."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

The bear just shrugs and says, "I don't know. I was born with them."

***

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

*** 

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies. "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore I am," but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

***

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

***

A piece of string walks into a bar, before it can say anything the bartender goes, "Hey! We don’t serve string here. You need to leave."

So the string does. Back outside, it goes down an alley, reaches up and pulls apart the top part of the cords making up the string, then ties it off with a knot.

Then it goes back to the bar. When it gets in the door the bartender goes ‘Wait a minute, aren’t you the piece of string I just told to leave?"

The string says, "No. I’m afraid not."

***

 Two men walk into  bar. The third man ducks.

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